Fashion confuses me, so I choose to maintain the same look I’ve been rocking since roughly 1995. Basically, it consists of an untucked button down shirt, sleeves rolled up, top button undone, and paired with jeans or khaki shorts.
It works for me.
So last summer, I was properly offended when more than one person told me I dress like Bradley Cooper. I don’t dress like Bradley Cooper. Bradley Cooper dresses like me.
I hate you Bradley Cooper.
Point is, I’m not a fashionista. I don’t change with the times. But I do notice. And when I noticed a student of mine dressed in white Converse high-tops with a loud triangles printed all over them, and sporting a T-shirt with shoulderpads(!) I had to inquire just what, exactly, was going on here. I asked if the (cue A-ha) 80s were back.
What she told me has shaken me to my core.
“Shoulder pads are back,” said Shelby Cofrances, a Rider University student, self-described fashionista, and a student who plans to get in on the fashion game via the world of public relations upon graduation. “So are chunky sweaters with Bill Cosby-inspired patterns, baggy jeans, high-waisted jeans and pants, scrunched-up socks, pegged jeans, funky bold watches, and a lot of jewelry layering, chains and pearls, like Madonna.”
I swear I could feel my mullet growing back as she spoke.
We need to tackle these on a point-by-point basis before I short out like Max Headroom.
· Shoulder pads: Wonderful. A whole ‘nuther generation of girls looking like Lawrence Taylor. This can’t be good. Though reader Karen Hilton disagrees, saying she’s “sort of happy” they’re back and that she still has some from back in the wild 80s. “I was big into shoulder pads,” Hilton notes. I’m still worried.
Billy Cosby-inspired sweaters: I’m not even sure what to say about this. The notion of young, pretty girls wearing Cosby sweaters is turning my brain into pudding pops.
· Baggy jeans: You know what’s going on here? The economy stinks, and women’s fashion is retreating into itself like it did in the 80s during the AIDS scare. Basically, when the world is getting all creepy, out come the baggy jeans. I know I’m right.
· High-waisted pants: I just want to die now. I’m concerned this may bring upon a Brigitte Nielsen comeback for no good reason.
· Scrunched-up socks: You know what I wish would come back? Knee-high athletic socks for the ladies. Think 70s style, matched with red short shorts. I may be going off-topic here. Sorry.
· Pegged jeans: This is the worst. Shelby says this is done to show off boots, but I have horrible memories of this trend. Imagine me, 6’3”, about 150 pounds at the time, mulleted, pegging my jeans. Not “totally rad.” Not by a longshot.
· Funky, bold watches: I don’t count wristwear as fashion. Next!
· Layered jewelry: Well, honestly, I can get into that Madonna look. Reminds me of the “Like a Virgin” performance at the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards, also known “as the night 12-year-old Jeff Edelstein’s eyes fell out of his head.”
Anyway, 80s fashion is not a simple fad, like I feared two years ago. It’s a full-fledged movement. It’s so back. Every woman has leggings, and I’ll bet you a Frankie Goes to Hollywood T-Shirt that leg warmers will be popping up this winter.
I wonder what Bradley Cooper thinks about all this. Actually, I don’t. But I’ve run plum out of 80s references.
